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five years

I can't believe five years has passed since he passed. And then again, so much has changed in those five years. I feel like it was just last week I got that hysterical call from my mom. Saw my dad be wheeled out to the ambulance, not needing the confirmation of what I already knew. He was gone. 

The physical absence of someone important in your life is unbearable. 

I have my good days, and my days. Even now, years later. Reluctantly I can say it has gotten easier in the fact that I've been able to better manage the feelings associated with loss. Some days I completely lose it, and I let myself. I'm not perfect. Most days, actually all days, I think about him and about some happy memory I had with him. And then I become so filled with gratefulness that I was afforded that memory. So many are not. 

I strive to make him proud, although I know that he was proud of me already. I talk to him often, wishing to hear his voice just one more time tell me he loves me. I miss his hugs. He was the best hugger in the world, always making me feel safe. Thankfully I can still remember his hugs.

On this anniversary of his passing, I'm gonna have a good cry, and remember the good times, and just miss him. I take so much peace in knowing that I will see him again someday, by God's Grace. 

Dad, I will be okay. I will continue to strive to become the woman you influenced me to be. I will continue to work hard, to love hard, and to live with passion. Thank you for all that you gave me. Until I see you again, Love you always. 

...more of the big C...

Meet my Aunt Kelly.

Well, she's not my aunt by blood. She is the hubs aunt (by blood) but more than family, she is my boss, and she is my best friend.

Over the last 16+ years I have spent nearly all my days and countless hours with this lady. She is the ying to my yang, the salt to my pepper, the beavis to my butthead.

Kelly has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Signet Cell Cancer.

Quite literally, this happened in a matter of weeks. She went into her primary as a once-over before starting a monitored diet. What started off as a small sharp pain in her lower abdomen has (after every blood test, scan, and outpatient medical procedure necessary) come back as Cancer.

Stupid, ugly, life-altering Cancer. 

It has been a whirlwind of emotions for everyone involved. For me personally, I vacillate from pure anger to complete positivity to absolute terror. And of course, there is the hashing up from Dad's fight with CancerIt is truly so much to deal with, and so much to take in and process out, my feelings, my emotions, even my physical reactions... it's all so crazy. 

I think I might turn back to blogging. Mainly because it's just easier for me to write out my feelings, especially in difficult and trying times. Wonder why that is... I tend to catalog the good things and positive things in my life through photographs (like the one above... that was just a fun Friday night dinner with Jeff and Kelly), but the negative feelings I turn towards words and writings. Interesting...

Well, not sure anyone is still here reading (hi Mom, I know you're always there, lol). 

Stay tuned

One Little Word : 2015

I fully acknowledge that I have become a "sometimes blogger". Sometimes I'm all about it, sometimes not so much. Typically I blog to vent, or release what's going on in my personal life. The really great thing is that it is my blog and you are not forced to read it. 

With all that being said, I choose to participate in Ali Edward's One Little Word project annually, mostly because I have been partaking in this "tradition" since it's inception. Whether I've blogged about it, or journaled about it at home, it has become something that I like to give some attention to. 

And so, my OLW 2015 is... (drumroll please)...


This word has come up in multiple current aspects of my life. I feel that it is going to be abundantly used, it needs to be abundantly used. 

It is confounding how we as people, as human beings, can go through life almost completely unaware. Daily life, schedules, appointments, agendas, routine, it all becomes repetitive, monotonous, mundane. We become so disconnected to ourselves and the people around us. We are too tired or too busy or sometimes simply forget to invest our time and attention to each other and into the things we love. We don't do this intentionally, we just become too unconscious. 

For me, personally, I need to bring back the awareness of my every moment. I need to become better aware of my actions towards other people, more aware of the decisions I make, more aware of the way I treat and view myself (this one is super tough for me). I truly believe that if I can keep awareness, nothing but positive and beautiful things will follow. 

Cheers to a happy and healthy 2015!! xoxo

thirty years plus four

I've made it. 

I have officially lived longer than Jesus. (For those who know me well, know that this is actually a big deal for me). 

Thirty-Three was good to me. 

- I participated in a tribute to honor the fallen
- I became mother of two high school students
- I got my first (and second) tattoos
- I got in my first car accident (Don't worry, I am ok. Wasn't my fault.)
- I resigned from my second job, after 7 wonderful years. 
- I helped originate, and start up a Booster Club
- I became Treasurer for said Booster Club

I'm sure there were a million other tiny life lesssons and achievements, none of which I can think of at this moment (old age must be setting in, lol). 

Looking forward, I'd like to say that I can consistently blog here, but that's wishful thinking. I'm too busy with life, and living it. Giving everything I have to the commitments I've made in my life. Faith, Family, Friendship, Work (haha). 

I will say this. In the next year of my life I hope to achieve more wisdom. I hope to give to myself more. I hope to continue to grow in faith and in love. 


still time to change the road you're on

The Mountains are Calling Print

Oh change, how you scare me so.

There are so many things happening in my life right now. Even before they began, I could feel it coming, like the first soft blow of air before the gusts of wind turn into the tornado they were always meant to be.

I dislike change, mainly because the unknown makes me uneasy. Actually (truth be told) the unknown terrifies me, keeping me contained to the bubble I live in. It's a cozy bubble.

However, change is indeed, inevitable. We grow, we try, we succeed, we fail, we learn.

We make choices.

I like to think that almost always we base our decisions on what is best for ourselves at that particular time in our life. When you are a parent, the decision-making extends to what is best for our children, our family, as well as our self. I honor and respect these decisions, because I know they are not easy.

When the dust settles, I know that I will be okay. I will know that the decisions I make are the right ones for Me, right now, and that my decisions will benefit my children, and my family.

While my heart is painfully sad and aching at the expense of change, I will carry my memories close as I enter a new path on my journey.

It is scary, letting go of the way things were. Leaving the comfort of schedule and repetition and the known, the expected. I am apprehensive to make any move, forward or otherwise. I do, however, know that we can not move backwards, no matter how hard we try.

Surprisingly (and thankfully) I am optimistic. My heart lives in a place that says in this lifetime, anything is possible. I breathe this, in and out every day.

I don't know exactly what lies ahead. I do know that I will find out.
Where I go from here is up to God.